It Feels Like the First Time
*I shine fearlessly*
I have been dancing for close to 6 months now. Remember how I shared with you that I started Hip Hop classes in December? I know, it feels like just yesterday, and all of a sudden, I am 6 months in! Time truly does not exist.
Anyways, one thing I have learned about myself through the years of various opportunities to heal – through eating disorders starting at age 13, chronic autoimmune conditions and mold poisoning (which no longer exist in my reality!), sexual abuse, and more – is that traditional therapy settings have often not been the best route for me.
It has certainly opened some doors, and I have had some wonderful therapists that really helped me in so many ways, but it has always been the daily practices I integrate in my life, particularly those I can do in motion, that have been the most healing.
I know that I have horses to thank for helping me thrive in some very dark times in the first thirty years of my life, and I think that much of this is because I was physically moving in the presence of a healing being and working and learning with my hands.
When I signed up for dance, I was in a great space. I followed a ‘ping’ to join classes because something inside me was asking for it, and I thought it sounded fun. It has certainly met all my ‘fun’ expectations, but I didn’t anticipate the healing I would also receive.
At this point, I am relatively used to looking like a fool, being a beginner, and not knowing what the hell I’m doing. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t stretch me, but I thought I was ok with it. Since I started my 6:30 pm class in December, it was dark outside, and therefore easy for me to blend in and hide in the back of the dark studio.
My dance teacher is a total hoot. In her words, “we throw some ass” in this class. She makes hilarious comments about how to do the moves. “Ok, so this one is kind of like you’re pretending to be a cat in heat. Rarrrr!” “The next song is a heavy hitter. There’s lots of booty.” “Walk like you’re a fuck boy.”
Her analogies are always spot on, but I admit that at first, I was a little self-conscious of my own body. As the seasons have progressed, class now takes place in the light of day. The teacher knows me now, as do my classmates. We sit in a circle at the end of class and answer a question that the teacher usually poses. These are not the standard “icebreaker” questions. They range from “if your belly button made a sound, what would it make?” to “if you stole a truck full of anything, what would it be?”
And just like that, I discovered that my first inclination is that my belly button would sound like a champagne bottle cork popping off. If this isn’t embodiment, I’m not sure what is?
I took a morning makeup dance class this week. Not my normal time, not my normal classmates, and many less people due to it being 9:30 am on a Thursday.
With extra space and extra light, I found myself becoming aware of a subconscious, internal voice I have been listening to all this time: “I’m ok looking like a fool flailing about, I just don’t want to look at myself while I do it!”
It was at this moment, in the middle of Little Mix’s Wasabi song, that I consciously gathered up the courage to look myself in the eyes in the studio mirror while I danced.
And it hit me that sometimes we are most scared to fully see ourselves.
Yes, we probably also struggle with being fully seen by others, and I believe that since everything is energy, people can feel that we’re not fully comfortable in our own bodies. This could impact our relationships for sure, but most importantly, it impacts our love for Self.
It affects how we value ourselves, how we talk to ourselves, how we do business, how we love, how we withhold love, how we share, how we don’t share, how we show up, and how we hold back.
In other words, we ever so subtly block our own light all because we’re scared to look at the sun.
This is not news to me, and it’s likely not news to you either. But, this week, it felt like I unlocked a new layer of healing within myself through the fun I was having in hip hop – a place that my body has learned is a no-judgment, safe space over the last 6 months. I was not consciously having these thoughts. The body is much wiser than the brain (in my opinion), and when it knows it is safe, things… just happen naturally.
Maybe you enjoy traditional therapy, and if that’s the case, I would never ever ever tell you to not go. Always do the thing that is good for YOU. But maybe, you need something else as well (or instead of) that activates your physicality.
Dance class
Self-defense class
Pottery
Painting
A simple walk sans phone every day
More time with animals
Gardening, or even just one flower to plant
Cooking class
It is very Western of us to believe that healing happens best in an office.
In my experience, the real shifts happen when I get into my body, out of my head, and I see myself for what feels like the first time. Xoxo
I made you a free downloadable coloring page! I hope you can print it out and have some fun in your own essence this week. Put on some music, or your favorite re-run sitcom, and just ENJOY.
A Few Ways to Lift Yourself & Others This Week
1) JOYBOMBS! Seriously, have you been lifted today? Write one to yourself and put it somewhere you’ll forget and wait to find it at a later date. Hand one to the cashier at the grocery store, leave one on the restaurant table as you exit. Leaving JOYBOMBS in the world for others makes me smile and feel better and I KNOW it does the same for whoever finds it! A monthly subscription is $8.99 and you’ll always get new JOYBOMBS each month!
2) I have 3 extra snail mail packages from sending out to my paid Substack subscribers, and I would love to send one to you for FREE! If you are interested, send me a note here with your address. I’ll pop it in the mail, postage on me.
Sending you so much love. It is a pleasure to be alive with you.